An Open Letter to the Boy Whose Heart I Broke

If we're being honest, I'm not even really sure where to begin. I would start with an apology, but you've heard that from me before and I'm sure it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. So I'll start with this instead.

You are an amazing man. There is nothing you ever did to harm me. Nothing you ever did to show me anything but love. And at the time, that is all I needed. I needed your love.

The problem is that I loved you. I loved you too much. I thought after my heart was broken for the first time nearly eight years ago that I would never again love like that. But I was wrong.

I would love like that again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again...

And with each new love, I knew you were the one. I was ready to give up every dream I'd ever had in the name of love. I would have stepped onto an alter with you in a heartbeat and promised promises I never would have been able to keep.

Because how can you promise to love someone forever when you can't even love yourself? How can you truly love someone if you don't first love God? If you don't first accept His love for you?

I know you've heard this excuse one too many times. I've told you over and over again that I have to find myself. Or that I have changed since being with you. I told you that I felt God tugging at my heart to let you go.

You might not have believed me, but it was all true. Everything I said was true. Every word about my faith falling apart was true.

But it wasn't your fault. Please don't think it was your fault. It was mine. Always mine. It was my fault for allowing myself to love you the way I did. I gave you literally everything I had. I thought maybe that would mean you would meet my unrealistic expectations.

You see, ever since I was young and began to understand the world of love, I set expectations on my future. I told myself He has to be a prince. He has to read my mind. He has to know my love language. He has to take care of me. He should want children. He should have a great family. He should let go of his mom for me. He should maintain his focus on me while somehow juggling focus on God too. He should open doors. He should hold my hand. He should kiss me in front of his friends. He should sing. He should dance. He should be perfect.

But there has only ever been one perfect man. And He is where my focus always should have been. I should not have focused on these expectations. Because with each expectation you didn't seem to reach, I began to realize I was being stupid. I realized that perfection was not possible. And that was when God would whisper in my ear.

He would say "I can meet those expectations. But I'm the only one. I'm the one who sent a perfect sacrifice for you. I gave you the perfect example of true love. You must stop getting distracted. You must let him go. He will never meet those expectations and by continuing to drag him along in your journey, you will hurt him so much more in the long run."

And words have never been so true. Had we kept going the direction we were headed, we would have pulled apart eventually. I would have fallen into a den of self-pity. I would have started blaming you. We would have been miserable in the long run. With each love, each kiss, each possible vow, I saw hate, regret, and divorce.

I know I hurt you. And you have no idea how many times I've tried to apologize for that hurt. For each blow I've thrown, I've blamed myself time and time again. I've blamed myself for hurting you day in and day out.

With each broken heart I've created, my heart has shattered. I have tried time and time again to give someone else the pieces. I have tried over and over to let someone else mend it. It's been stitched back, stapled back, bandaged, bonded, but I keep giving it to the wrong person.

Until I can completely hand it over to God, this process will continue to happen. Instead of letting someone try to fix it, I have to let Him replace it. He is the only man who can do that.

So now I'm going to apologize. This is the last time though. The last time I say I'm sorry for falling in love. The last time I apologize for another broken heart. The last time I let myself feel so low.

I am sorry. I am so very sorry. I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. I am sorry for bringing you on a journey neither of us were ready for. I am sorry for holding you to unrealistic expectations. I am sorry for breaking your heart.

I pray for you daily. I want you to know that each time I see or hear you are having a bad day, I pray for you. I pray that you are happy. I pray that you find the right woman. The woman who loves God and loves herself before ever loving you. I pray that you have beautiful children one day. I pray that you realize you are so amazing and you are worth so much more than any woman could ever tell you. You are worth the love of a God who would send His son to sacrifice His life for you. You are a beautiful human being and you are worth so much.

Please know that I regret nothing. You were all a part of this plan. You were what I needed. And I truly did love you. I never lied about that. But I did not love myself, so I never loved you the way you deserved and I never could have.

So I'd like to make a promise in this letter. I would like to promise the man reading this whose heart I have not yet broken that I will not break your heart. I will not allow myself to get attached. I promise to be your friend first. I promise to wait. I promise to not give you everything, because you honestly don't need your everything to come from me.

It is time I promised myself something. I promise to love myself. I promise to allow God to truly show Himself to me. I promise to be patient. I know it will not be easy, but I know it is His plan. The Devil will try to make me break this promise, but with God on my side, I know I can stay strong.

So to the man whose heart I broke, you are amazing. I am sorry. I pray you will allow God to mend your heart and that you don't ever regret loving me.

Powerful

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 1:18-20

Faith is hard. It is near impossible sometimes to trust that God's power is so mighty He can raise the dead. It's even harder sometimes to remember He is so humble and loving that He sent His only son to take the blame for all of our screw ups.

So many people today struggle with the fact that someone could love them that much. People struggle knowing that there is a God who is willing to do literally anything to be with them.

The really crazy part? When you accept that love and have faith... have faith that He did it all for you.. have faith that He created this beautiful earth.. have faith that He will continue to keep His promises.. His power comes to live in you.

Stop for a second and think about this.

His power....

The power that created the universe.. the seas.. the skies.. the stars.. the sun.. the moon..

The power that created life.. plants.. animals.. birds.. fish.. you..

The power that commands dead to rise.. commands dry bones to fight battles.. commands seas to part and armies to be defeated only by the hands of a raised man..

The power that sent a perfect Son.. did numerous miracles through that Son.. told that Son to die on a cross.. endure the most grueling of punishments.. lay dead in a grave for three days.. and raise Him back to life!

That is the power you accept when you accept the love of God our Father.

How cool is it to know that the power God used to raise Christ to life is the same power that enters our soul when we accept Him as our Lord and savior?! Just think about that for a second. With the slightest bit of faith, you can move a mountain. With the slightest bit of faith, you can stop an army. With the slightest bit of faith, you can change the world.

So today, I want to challenge you. I challenge you to consider all of the things you can do with the power of Christ in you. I challenge you to not only think of what you can do, but go out and do it! Take that one step. Because it only takes one person to change the world and you could be that one.

"Same Power" by Jeremy Camp

Tigers, Cowboys and Raindrops

It was the most awaited game of the season. Two Louisiana universities were to go head to head in an exciting game in Death Valley. We've had our tickets for months and were beyond excited (mostly to watch the band at halftime). We sweat our butts off for hours before getting comfortable in our amazing seats. I missed my own school's season opener (in which they whooped some Southern booty; go Dawgs!) We had the full experience of seeing the band before the game. We heard the cheers of thousands of Tiger fans. Tiger Stadium became the fifth largest city in Louisiana.

Everything changed in one minute as the players cleared the field and the announcer told us there was lightning in the vicinity. Oh joy. That means at least a thirty minute delay. So we waited for thirty minutes.

And we waited for an hour.

One hour became two hours.

Somewhere in the first two hours, it began it rain. Not just rain. There was a torrential downpour. In which I chose to dance.

That's right. I danced in the rain.

For another hour.

Three hours passed. Coaches and referees entered the field again. People got their hopes up. The game might start. But they left. And after half an hour again we heard "There has been a lightning strike in the area and we have to delay the game."

Fans are furious. The few that had stuck it out through nearly four hours of rain gave up. The remnants of resilient fans left Death Valley. In just four hours, the stadium was empty. But not for the reason a football stadium is usually empty. People went away upset. Cursing the sky with words that can't change anything.

But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing. Yes, it was hot. Then it was cold. Yes, we were disappointed. But that's okay.

Before this game started, I was told multiple times "It doesn't rain in Death Valley." Well, I'm here to tell you that it DOES rain in Death Valley. And when it rains, it pours.

God opened up the flood gates and reminded fans that He is in charge of the weather, not us. It was a beautiful rain. The kind of rain people pray for in a drought.

I'm so glad it rained. No, we didn't see more than five minutes of football. But that's okay. Because for probably the first time in my life, I danced in the rain God blessed us with. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

We aren't in control of life. Things don't always go according to our plans. Sometimes we end up disappointed. But you must make a choice. Will you leave when things get bad, or will you learn to dance in the rain?

Gratitude Defines Attitude

100.

The Bible mentions the word "thanks," be it thanksgiving or give thanks, 100 times. But how many times a day do you remember this? How many times do you thank God for the things He consistently does in your life? What about the things He doesn't do?

It's no secret that we are commanded to give thanks. We should be consistent in giving Him the thanks He is due in the same way He is consistent in giving us everything we could possibly need and more.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I thank Him when I get what I want, but why should I thank Him when I don't?" Paul was writing to the church of Colosse about how they should continue to live their new lives in Christ when he wrote this.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. - Colossians 3:15-17

Whatever you do. WHATEVER .YOU. DO.

This morning on the way to school and work we got caught by a train. Instead of complaining about the fact that we had to wait, I began to thank God for the lights that tell us to stop so we can avoid wrecks. I thanked Him for the advances in industries that have allowed us to have trains. I thanked Him for the chance to stop and look around at the beauty He created.

The small act of thanking versus complaining literally changed my whole attitude. It gave me an opportunity to have a fresh mindset on the day. This is something small I have started implementing into my every day life. It is so easy to complain and whine about things that don't go the right way. It is so much easier to forget what we have been given and remember what we have lost. But think of how much more joy God would give you if you were to thank Him for those things we remember instead of complaining about them.

So instead of groaning when you see that red light, be thankful we live in a country with traffic laws. Instead of turning your nose up to the tap water you have to drink because you ran out of bottles, be thankful that you have running water. When your children throw a fit in the middle of Walmart, be grateful you have healthy kids with a full lung capacity.

Think of how much your attitude will change when your gratitude increases.