Seasons Change

SEASONS CHANGE 

•••

A little over a year ago I began working a new job. I was desperate to leave the toxic work environment I was in and the day after my knees hit the floor begging God for something else, He opened the door to Ascent. As I started working here, they warned me - you will grow, you will stretch, you will be pushed, you will bend, you might break, it will take time, you will have grace extended (over and over and over), you will be loved, you will be asked to go the extra mile - YOU WILL CHANGE. 

•••

They were not wrong. Every day with this company I’ve changed. Similarly, I’ve watched the seasons change month to month. You might be thinking, “Louisiana only has like two seasons - summer and slightly-less-hot winter.” But let me explain. 

•••

Not long after starting this job, I began serving in the Lake Providence area. “Where the heck is Lake Providence?” I said to myself. Well, it’s about an hour and a half northeast from Monroe. Not a short drive, but I enjoy being on the road so I took to the challenge and quickly learned my way. The first thing I noticed were the cotton fields. “Why is there snow on the ground in September? Oh. That’s not snow.” But let me tell you, it was SO beautiful. I had never actually seen fields of cotton before. Each month I noticed something different in the fields, cotton growing, cotton in bales, plowed fields, new seeds, corn fields, high stalks of corn, corn cut down, plowed fields, new seeds, cotton growing...

•••

As if in tandem, looking back on the last year I’ve noticed similar seasons of change and growth in my life. I’m beginning to recognize the things I’ve had to let go of in order to make room for new crops to sprout in my life. Between being pulled by the families I serve to being to being pushed to be my best self by my coworkers to becoming more involved in my church to planning a wedding, there have been plenty of changing seasons. The past few months I’ve felt a little rough around the edges and disheartened by the ins and outs of my life. Although my work has improved, my self worth and self care has become stagnant again. (I say “again” because it seems to be a pattern for me - do good, take care of self, move self to back burner, recognize brokenness, do good, take care of self, etc.). Driving to Lake Providence Monday morning all I could think of was how absolutely beautiful the fields were. They always are. Be it the freshly plowed field or the miles of green, I never pass these fields without recognizing their beauty. 

•••

As I write these thoughts, I can literally feel God placing it on my heart that it’s time for a new season and that's why my heart has been so out of wack recently. Change is never easy, and I don’t know what He has in mind. With a wedding just under six months away, I know change is imminent. My goals in my job and personal life continue to grow and that honestly scares the shit out of me. But I can somehow feel His peace - “It will be okay” He says. It’s time to plow the fields and learn to love myself. It’s time to plant seeds of self-care and extend the same grace to myself that I extend to those around me. It’s time to let change happen and learn not to fear what that change looks like. My future is just as beautiful as the fields I drive by week to week - and how cool is that? 

P.S. I stopped on the road (safely while no one was coming from either direction) just to take this picture because I legitimately could not contain how astounded I was by the beauty and significance of an empty field.

Choosing My Own Faith

My whole life I belonged to a "First Baptist Church of Somewhere." I was saved at age five and rededicated my life to Christ at age thirteen. Don't get me wrong, I loved being Southern Baptist; I loved learning scripture and books of the Bible, praising during worship, and much much more. However, in twenty-plus years, I never felt like I truly belonged; never did I feel more out of place than I did in the church. Try as I might, I would often feel left out or judged.

Everything changed the day I set foot in St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church. I felt God calling me home; I knew that was where I was meant to be. Over the course of a year, I fell in love with God all over again and I fell in love with His Church. Never have I felt a community so strong and empowering. Never have I truly felt the presence of God so closely.

The Catholic Church is so often mistaken for a "non-Christian" type faith. People are accused of not having a true relationship with Christ, not understanding the meaning of salvation, not reading scripture, and so on. Honestly, I had never really formed an opinion other than "it's not for me," before attending that first mass. However, I think people are so very wrong in their assumptions of what it means to be Catholic. 

Being Catholic is so much more than kneeling, burning incense, telling a priest your sins, and talking to saints. Did you know there is a liturgy (daily scripture readings for mass) used around the globe that will be spoken at mass today, tomorrow, and every day to follow? It is centered around God's holy word and is planned years in advance. If you think the Catholic Church doesn't use the Bible as a structure, you are so wrong. Every step of the mass is completely centered around scripture.

That relationship with Christ? It's found every time the bread is broken and we experience the body and blood of Christ as the apostle did. You see, communion isn't just a wafer and a sip of juice; it is literally the body and blood of Christ. The respect and love the Church shows to the Eucharist is like nothing I have ever seen before.

The Church is so loving and accepting. It is incredible the way people in the Church seem to have such open minds. Never do I feel unwanted or judged for the things I have done. Being in the Church is always like being around friends and family. it doesn't matter what church it is, I always feel loved.

Don't get me wrong, the Catholic Church is not perfect; far from it actually. But what church can honestly say it is? It has not been easy following God's call in my life, but I am reminded time and time again that I am where He has called me to be. I am reminded of that in each celebration of mass.

Last year during Lent, I was reading the New Testament. God showed me the truth in His church as I read Matthew 8; I saw an exact parallel between the words spoken by the community during the celebration of mass. "Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the words and my soul shall be healed." Reading those words reminded me of two things: the first is that the teachings in mass are as true as the words of God; the second is that I am truly not worth of the mercy God has had on me and on all of us, to forgive our sins by the use of His holy son.

Joining the Church has not been an easy thing to do. It has been emotionally taxing over and over. I have questioned those around me, those who believe, those who do not. I have especially questioned God as to why He would bring me to a different religion than that of my family. I don't believe I have received an answer and I know that I might never fully understand, but I do know this is His calling for my life.

I knew going into this process that I would be faced with adversity and heartbreak. I knew there would be questions from friends and family, most of which I would not be able to answer immediately. I knew many would not understand, but that is okay; God has been doing a beautiful thing in my life. He has shown me that though I am not worthy, His love and mercy is sufficient. And He has shown me that I don't have to understand the plan to trust in Him.

Before I finish this post, I would like to thank the two strongest women in my life and the two women who has supported my every decision.

Zoe - Thank you for being so kindhearted. Thank you for the initial invitation to St. Thomas which brought me to the Church. Thank you for your unending love and support (even when I make dumb decisions). Thank you for loving me and for being my best friend and the best roommate I could have ever asked for.

Momma - Thank you for raising me to love God, but not to take everything at face value. Thank you for always loving me, even when I do things you don't fully understand. Thank you for your support in this process and for trusting in God's plan better than I ever could. I love you and I pray you will always know I am your baby girl.

I would also like to thank my beautiful friends and support system at the Association of Catholic Tech Students. Never have I felt so loved and accepted. Never have I been so comfortable around a group of people. You have no idea the impact you have had on my life and the impact you continue having on me. Thank you for giving me hope and for strengthening my heart. With the love of God, you truly saved my life.

Homeless

In a homily a few weeks ago, our campus minister spoke about "homecoming." The definition of "home" is not always what people think. Although when you search the word many definitions do appear, (some including the building surrounding you) the one that sticks out to me is "the place in which one's domestic affections are held." A house is just something with walls and rooms, but home hits much deeper than that. 

If I'm being honest, I have felt a bit "homeless" the past couple of years. When my mom and brother moved out of the only house I've lived in for more than three years and in with my grandparents, I didn't have a room anymore. My personality type is not one to start confrontation. Although I will stand up and say when something is bothering me, I would rather see those I love happy and healthy. So instead of whining and complaining about not having a room, I was happy to move in with my grandparents and excited to see a new chapter in our lives start unfolding. Aside from that, I knew that it would not be long before I would be back at Louisiana Tech University with friends who have become family.

However, I still could not shake the feeling of homelessness. It has been very difficult to get past the fact that I no longer have a room in a house somewhere that is just mine. When I am at my grandparents, I share a bed with my mom or stay on an air mattress with a TV in the living room. When I am at school, I share a room two beautiful young ladies. When I am at my dad's, I stay in a guest room. I think that's why I have been so eager this year to graduate. I have lost sight of what graduation really means and started focusing on the fact that I can finally have my own place. 

Whenever I talk to my mom about these feelings, she says something along the lines of "But home is wherever I am." Although this is true, I have lost sight of that as well. I have been too focused on my self-pity and wallowing that I forgot what home really means. I have forgotten that change of scenery does not have to mean change of heart.

After hearing the homily a couple of weeks ago, I realized how crazy I have been. I'm the furthest thing from homeless. I don't have a bedroom with my name on it; so what? There are people who have much less than I do in regards to shelter. I am beyond blessed. It doesn't matter where I am, I still have a roof over me and a warm place to rest my head. On top of that, I have so many people who love me. My home extends across many miles and many smiling faces.

Home is where my best friend and her newborn son are.

Home is where my church and church family are.

Home is where I can bake cookies and make someone smile.

Home is somewhere in Arkansas with a girl who holds me accountable.

Home is where people make me laugh so hard my stomach aches.

Home is where ten people pile on top of a couch because one person had a bad day.

Home is where my Doctor Who loving, always encouraging, and beautiful roommate is.

Home is where my dad's homemade baked ziti is. 

Home is where there are pictures hanging on the wall of family.

Home is where the homemade biscuits and tomato gravy are.

Home is where my brother's sketches line the walls.

Home is where I can't think straight because the family is too loud. 

Home is where my mom is.

Being home doesn't mean a place. Being home means forgetting all of the things that worry me; all of the things that have given me grief or pain over the past few months. Being home means I am surrounded by people who love me. Sometimes it means being driven insane when my baby brother can't stop tapping the table. Sometimes it means spending the day watching TV. Sometimes home is sitting in my mom's office catching up with old friends. Home does not mean a house. Call me cliche, but home really is where the heart is.

This is my home:

What a Difference a Day Makes

Some days are harder than others. Some days, when it rains, it pours. And the electricity goes out. And you bump into the counter trying to get a candle. And when you find the candle, the wick is gone. So you sit alone in the dark. And a week later you've still got a bruise. All you want to do is stay in bed.

But one day you wake up and the sun is shining. You realize that the bruise is finally gone. Your new candle smells an awful lot like Christmas. And your best friend is laughing across the room so hard she can't breathe. She's trying to hold the drink she just swallowed down. It has been a long time since you laughed so hard it made your stomach hurt.

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There is a phenomenal difference between the rainy days and the sunny ones. Sometimes, we have to stop and realize that just because it's raining doesn't mean something beautiful can't come of it. A good friend told me recently that if I continue to let the little things become big things, I won't ever be able to move on with my life. I won't ever be able to pick myself up out of the rain and make it to the days where the sun is shining. He told me I can continue to let the little things fester and bother me, I can let them go, or I can make something beautiful out of them. 

I have always hated the rain and usually everyone close to me is made well aware of this. It's just wet and cold. It doesn't bring the joy that the sunshine does. It doesn't even compare to the white powdery snow that falls in the mountains where we used to live. It floods the streets and makes things dangerous. It ruins good hair days. It messes up clothes. It's just plain gross. And thunder and lightning terrify me most times. 

This past summer, I worked at a camp in Arkansas and it rained every day straight for almost two weeks. Growing up in the mountains we never had much use for rainboots. We never really got to play in the rain because the snow was so much better and came so much more consistently; so I never learned to splash in puddles. But this summer I did. I spent a solid half hour running through puddles. I got my jeans soaking wet and my socks were squishy. But I was so relieved. I was so happy. I felt like a child. I let go of control and enjoyed myself.

Since this past quarter started, I have allowed myself to get more consumed with the things that I have no control over. I have come to realize that this coming year will bring with it a lot of change that I have not been able to mentally ready myself for. Between my graduation, my brother's graduation, applications to grad school, family moving; I haven't exactly had a good grip on how to handle things. Instead of looking for the beauty in the midst of these changes, I have allowed myself to get overwhelmed. I have allowed myself months to sulk and complain. Whenever I try to fill out an application to grad school or look for a job, I get anxiety like I've never felt before. I have cried more and drank more coffee this quarter than I have in my entire life. 

But yesterday I woke up and the sun was shining. Finals were over. Quarter break had begun. Yesterday, I realized that not all change is bad. I looked out at the fields and saw how beautiful and green everything was. All because of a little bit of rain.

Change, like rain, doesn't have to be a bad thing. Sometimes, change is good. Change is necessary to mature and grow. Yes, change is hard. No, life won't always be sunshine and rainbows. But with God on your side, change is always possible. With God on your side, you can always turn the rainy days into something beautiful. You can take the change and run with it. Allow God to fulfill His plan and His purpose for your life. That will never happen if you do not allow the change to happen as well.

I'm slowly learning that it's okay to be upset about the rain some days. On those days when it really does mess up your beautiful, new hairstyle. On the days the game you've been looking forward to all week gets canceled. It's acceptable to be a little upset. But it is not okay to let that frustration boil over and ruin a perfectly good day. Don't allow the rain to keep you from doing the things that make you happy. Instead of staying in bed all day to sulk and watch Netflix, put on your boots and take advantage of the puddles. Instead of being upset about a sunless day, paint a picture and include the things that make you happy. Crank up your favorite music. Bake some cookies. Read a good book. 

Rain is inevitable. So is change. These lessons I am trying so hard to teach myself will not come easily. It is not easy to get out of my comfort zone. It is not easy to know that big changes are coming very soon. It is difficult to cling to the one God who can make the change possible. The one who can give me strength. The one with the plan. But I'm learning. Slowly, but surely I am learning. I am learning to splash in the puddles. I am learning to smile through the change. I am learning that God's plan for my life is just that. His plan; not mine. And His plan includes change. One day I will look back on this period of my life and understand. It may not all make sense right now, but one day it will. One day I will look around at the green fields of my life and realize that the rain of these days was necessary. Difficult, but necessary.

I want to leave you with these two verses:

The first, most people who know me will recognize. It is my favorite verse; the one I live by. The verse that I sometimes let slide to the back burner. This verse says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper and not harm you; plans of a hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan. Sit back and allow it to unfold.

The second verse, a friend recently reminded me of. It is a reminder of where our strength should come from. A reminder that no matter what, Christ is our shield in those times we are at war with ourselves. Isaiah 40:29-31 says He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. On those days when you can't seem to find it in yourself, find your strength in Him. Put on your rainboots and dance in the rain.

love.

A poem written by my 14-year-old self that showed up on my Facebook memories.

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love. 

it's a strong word. 
a powerful word. 
a poetic word. 
a confusing word. 
sometimes: 
it's more than a word. 
it's a statement.
a feeling.
a way of life.
we use it too often.
we don't share it often enough.
it's a fight.
a wonder.
an amazement.
an awkward situation.
we can't understand it.
can't comprehend it.
can't wait for it.
can't want it.
but that's only the beginning.

what about God's love?
it's a love we don't know.
a love we cannot see.
a love we can't live without.
it's more than a word:
it's a lifestyle.
a work of art.
a wonderment.
an amazement.
it is:
incomprehensible.
not understandable.
it is a love we will never:
reproduce.
remake.
reinvent.
to send His child.
to open our eyes.
to create the world.
it is:
more than a spouses love.
more than a friends love.
more than a mother's love.
we do not know.
we never will know.
God loves the world:
the whole world.
not just the good people.
bad people too.
not just the forgiven.
the unforgivable.
He loves:
the unborn baby.
the oldest man.
the president.
the enemies.
He loves:
you.

He loves us even though:
we are crazy.
we are mental.
we are dysfunctional.
we are evil.
we are sinners.
we are unlovable.

then why?
why does He love us?
why does He choose us?
why does He forgive us?
how can he understand us?

because.
because He created us.
He can do anything.
He heals us.
He wants us.
though we continue to live:
live in sin.
live in doubt.
live in wonder.
live in craziness.
He will continue to love us.
all of us.

so reach.
reach across the nation.
reach next door.
reach your friends.
reach your enemies.
make sure they know.
make sure they understand.
share yourself.
share your story.
share your life.
share our God.
help your enemies.
help your neighbors.
be sure you know.
be sure you understand.

He LOVES you.

"for God so LOVED the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." john 3:16

An Open Letter to the Boy Whose Heart I Broke

If we're being honest, I'm not even really sure where to begin. I would start with an apology, but you've heard that from me before and I'm sure it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. So I'll start with this instead.

You are an amazing man. There is nothing you ever did to harm me. Nothing you ever did to show me anything but love. And at the time, that is all I needed. I needed your love.

The problem is that I loved you. I loved you too much. I thought after my heart was broken for the first time nearly eight years ago that I would never again love like that. But I was wrong.

I would love like that again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again...

And with each new love, I knew you were the one. I was ready to give up every dream I'd ever had in the name of love. I would have stepped onto an alter with you in a heartbeat and promised promises I never would have been able to keep.

Because how can you promise to love someone forever when you can't even love yourself? How can you truly love someone if you don't first love God? If you don't first accept His love for you?

I know you've heard this excuse one too many times. I've told you over and over again that I have to find myself. Or that I have changed since being with you. I told you that I felt God tugging at my heart to let you go.

You might not have believed me, but it was all true. Everything I said was true. Every word about my faith falling apart was true.

But it wasn't your fault. Please don't think it was your fault. It was mine. Always mine. It was my fault for allowing myself to love you the way I did. I gave you literally everything I had. I thought maybe that would mean you would meet my unrealistic expectations.

You see, ever since I was young and began to understand the world of love, I set expectations on my future. I told myself He has to be a prince. He has to read my mind. He has to know my love language. He has to take care of me. He should want children. He should have a great family. He should let go of his mom for me. He should maintain his focus on me while somehow juggling focus on God too. He should open doors. He should hold my hand. He should kiss me in front of his friends. He should sing. He should dance. He should be perfect.

But there has only ever been one perfect man. And He is where my focus always should have been. I should not have focused on these expectations. Because with each expectation you didn't seem to reach, I began to realize I was being stupid. I realized that perfection was not possible. And that was when God would whisper in my ear.

He would say "I can meet those expectations. But I'm the only one. I'm the one who sent a perfect sacrifice for you. I gave you the perfect example of true love. You must stop getting distracted. You must let him go. He will never meet those expectations and by continuing to drag him along in your journey, you will hurt him so much more in the long run."

And words have never been so true. Had we kept going the direction we were headed, we would have pulled apart eventually. I would have fallen into a den of self-pity. I would have started blaming you. We would have been miserable in the long run. With each love, each kiss, each possible vow, I saw hate, regret, and divorce.

I know I hurt you. And you have no idea how many times I've tried to apologize for that hurt. For each blow I've thrown, I've blamed myself time and time again. I've blamed myself for hurting you day in and day out.

With each broken heart I've created, my heart has shattered. I have tried time and time again to give someone else the pieces. I have tried over and over to let someone else mend it. It's been stitched back, stapled back, bandaged, bonded, but I keep giving it to the wrong person.

Until I can completely hand it over to God, this process will continue to happen. Instead of letting someone try to fix it, I have to let Him replace it. He is the only man who can do that.

So now I'm going to apologize. This is the last time though. The last time I say I'm sorry for falling in love. The last time I apologize for another broken heart. The last time I let myself feel so low.

I am sorry. I am so very sorry. I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. I am sorry for bringing you on a journey neither of us were ready for. I am sorry for holding you to unrealistic expectations. I am sorry for breaking your heart.

I pray for you daily. I want you to know that each time I see or hear you are having a bad day, I pray for you. I pray that you are happy. I pray that you find the right woman. The woman who loves God and loves herself before ever loving you. I pray that you have beautiful children one day. I pray that you realize you are so amazing and you are worth so much more than any woman could ever tell you. You are worth the love of a God who would send His son to sacrifice His life for you. You are a beautiful human being and you are worth so much.

Please know that I regret nothing. You were all a part of this plan. You were what I needed. And I truly did love you. I never lied about that. But I did not love myself, so I never loved you the way you deserved and I never could have.

So I'd like to make a promise in this letter. I would like to promise the man reading this whose heart I have not yet broken that I will not break your heart. I will not allow myself to get attached. I promise to be your friend first. I promise to wait. I promise to not give you everything, because you honestly don't need your everything to come from me.

It is time I promised myself something. I promise to love myself. I promise to allow God to truly show Himself to me. I promise to be patient. I know it will not be easy, but I know it is His plan. The Devil will try to make me break this promise, but with God on my side, I know I can stay strong.

So to the man whose heart I broke, you are amazing. I am sorry. I pray you will allow God to mend your heart and that you don't ever regret loving me.

Powerful

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 1:18-20

Faith is hard. It is near impossible sometimes to trust that God's power is so mighty He can raise the dead. It's even harder sometimes to remember He is so humble and loving that He sent His only son to take the blame for all of our screw ups.

So many people today struggle with the fact that someone could love them that much. People struggle knowing that there is a God who is willing to do literally anything to be with them.

The really crazy part? When you accept that love and have faith... have faith that He did it all for you.. have faith that He created this beautiful earth.. have faith that He will continue to keep His promises.. His power comes to live in you.

Stop for a second and think about this.

His power....

The power that created the universe.. the seas.. the skies.. the stars.. the sun.. the moon..

The power that created life.. plants.. animals.. birds.. fish.. you..

The power that commands dead to rise.. commands dry bones to fight battles.. commands seas to part and armies to be defeated only by the hands of a raised man..

The power that sent a perfect Son.. did numerous miracles through that Son.. told that Son to die on a cross.. endure the most grueling of punishments.. lay dead in a grave for three days.. and raise Him back to life!

That is the power you accept when you accept the love of God our Father.

How cool is it to know that the power God used to raise Christ to life is the same power that enters our soul when we accept Him as our Lord and savior?! Just think about that for a second. With the slightest bit of faith, you can move a mountain. With the slightest bit of faith, you can stop an army. With the slightest bit of faith, you can change the world.

So today, I want to challenge you. I challenge you to consider all of the things you can do with the power of Christ in you. I challenge you to not only think of what you can do, but go out and do it! Take that one step. Because it only takes one person to change the world and you could be that one.

"Same Power" by Jeremy Camp